Why the “parent report card” is complete BS

By  | March 17, 2015 |  Comments | Filed under: Feels, Feminism

Recently Today encouraged parents to hand their kids a “parent report card” churned out by some mommy site, you know, so we can get our “grade” – as if any parent who is going to do this activity is someone who really needs their parenting evaluated. Like a child abuser with DCFS on their tail is really going to be like, “oh, I got several bad check marks. I better pack tastier lunches and stop being so embarrassing”. Please.

Let’s take a look at some sample questions from the Parent Report Card:

Does your parent reward you for chores? Um, no. I do not reward my kids for chores. The reward for the chore is that the chore is done – you know, you have a room that is not cluttered and dishes that are in places where we know to look for them next time we want to eat. You don’t get a trophy for putting away your own damn socks.

When your parent punishes you, is it reasonable and fair? Ask my kid if she thinks it’s fair that she has to sit in time out because she took a toy from the baby. She’ll tell you that mean old baby took her toy in the first place. You know why? Because her judgement system is immature. Of course she thinks my punishments are unfair. She’s a kid! Nothing is fair! You you know who I would trust to tell me if I’m fair or not? Judge Judy – NOT my four-year-old.

Does your parent embarrass you in front of your friends? I kiss my kids in front of their friends. It embarrasses them? Too bad. F minus for me. Next.

Does your parent act the way you want them to at your sporting events? You mean, by attending in the first place? Then yes. Not to be all “back in my day” but . . . back in my day, I got dropped off at games and picked up later. Why? Because my dad worked seven days a week and my mom was otherwise alone, just like my husband and me. We do our best. Get over yourselves.

Does your parent pack good lunches/snacks? Bahaha! Good as in I pack her healthy lunches made with organic ingredients, which she does not understand or appreciate? Yes. A+ for me. Guess what my kids would say if I was self-hating enough to give them this stupid report card? They’d say I suck because little Sally’s mom packs Frozen cartoon cereal in HER lunch. I’m not kidding. One of them said that to me today. Dear Sally’s mom: Thanks a lot!

Does your parent make you feel special? Oh, just fuck this all day. The problem is my kids think they are too special. When we moved in this house a few months ago, my six-year-old suggested she take the master bedroom. It was a real argument. Like, she did not understand why her dad and I deserve the suite with the attached bathroom. Um, maybe because this is our house and you just live here? Bye.

Is your parent fun? Just stop. I’d tell you to jeff off again, but then I might get a C in “potty mouth”. But seriously, it is not my job as a parent to be fun. It’s my job to provide a stable, loving home, the basics of of food, shelter and clothing and to nurture their growing brains and character. It is not my job to run a Pinteresting fun house circus.

Somewhere along the way, the criteria for being good parent went from loving and providing for our children, to being bento-box-lunch-packing, every-day-is-a-holiday, fearful-every-move-will-get-us-arrested baby servants. What happened? We wonder why our society has a problem with entitlement, what with young government officials giving themselves lavish Downton Abbey offices, when the answer seems pretty clear: we are answering to the wrong crowd.

My child is not my boss. She is not my superior. I am not up for “review” and her opinions on my fairness, funness and lunch packing are simply irrelevant. Whoops, I guess I’d get an F for #18, “Does your parent value your opinion?”.

If you really want to know how you are doing as a parent, answer these questions:

– Has my child eaten hot, nutritious food today?

– Does my child have a peaceful place to get adequate rest?

– Is my home sanitary and safe?

– Do I provide access to education?

– Do I tend to my child’s medical and psychological needs to the best of my ability?

– Is my child loved?

THAT’S IT. That is all you need to do to pass Parenting with flying colors. Quit mom guilting yourself about every little thing like, whether or not your child feels special enough on their birthday because your cake was ugly or you didn’t get them Cinderella light-up shoes because you didn’t know that was a real toy.

Your kids are fine. If you care one iota about mom report cards in the first place, you get an A+. Dismissed!

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