The questions I’d Like Megyn Kelly to ask the Duggars (& the HONEST answers we’d never get)

By  | June 1, 2015 |  Comments | Filed under: News Commentary

I know people like me are supposed to be so “gleeful” about taking down the Duggars, but I’m really quite over them. Wait. What’s that? Fox News (who else) is airing an interview between Megyn Kelly and the Duggar parents on Wednesday at 9pm ET? They’re back in our faces? Because they care more about money and winning back public favor than actually focusing on their family and living a quietly pious life? YOU DON’T SAY.

I’m sure it will be a whine fest about fine, young, humble, Josh and poor them, and how the three of them are clinging to each other in their Christ raft.  Because this situation involves no one else important, right? Hmmmm, who else might this be about, Duggars? The furniture? The landscape? The landscape furniture equipped with tempting, sleeping, five-year-old vaginas? Bingo.

Let’s begin this fantasy interview, shall we?

MEGYN KELLY: Hello Jim Bob and Michelle. Thank you for talking with me today about your son Josh. He admitted that when he was just 24-ish months younger the person your son Josiah is courting for marriage right now,  he molested several girls, one of whom was five years old. Then you guys covered it up for a year, went to the police only when forced and the State Trooper friend you chose was also a pedophile now serving 56-years for child porn. During all of this, you ran for senate on a campaign that incest should be punishable by death.

JIM BOB (to Michelle):  Tell Miz Kelly thank you for saying my name before yours, as I am the head of the household, and that it’s swell to be here.

MICHELLE: Jim Bob and I appreciate the way Fox News has allowed us to capitalize on our children’s biggest nightmare. The paycheck from this interview and from our People cover will keep our hair in toni perms for awhile!

MEGYN KELLY: Do you educate your children about sex at all? It seems like with a lifestyle completely devoted to sex (worrying about who is doing it wrong, using it to populate a Christian army, exalting it as a prize your teenagers can earn by getting married instead of going to college. etc.) you’d at least say, oh, “private parts feel awesome and we get the idea to put them with other peoples’ private parts because that’s how, in many cases, nature brings our bodies together to make babies. Having a sex drive is as normal as having eyeballs. Don’t do it with family, animals, in public or without the other person’s consent”.

MICHELLE DUGGAR: No, we believe in completely denying sexual urges exist before marriage, at which time it becomes the sole purpose of your day. We believe God blesses us with the realization we don’t have Barbie crotches on our wedding night (while our tummies are full of tater tots and milkshakes from the reception!) Before those magical moments, there is no reason to know things like, that people shouldn’t molest their sisters or that babies come from peens in vajays, so be careful with those.

MEGYN KELLY: Why didn’t you protect your daughters once you found out Josh was molesting them?

MICHELLE DUGGAR: Because in the hierarchy of our perverted take on Christianity, girls are simply less important than boys. It never crossed our mind to worry much about the girls. Our son is the only one we think suffered, and even then only because of the the way the outside world indulges women as people or something. He wasn’t even that wrong for doing it! He just got caught by a worldy world who doesn’t understand his high place. He is a man! That is basically one step from being God. Look at the umbrella chart.

MEGYN KELLY: What do you think of abusing the Christian power structure, not only to skirt the law and endanger your daughters, but also to turn a buck? Do you really think you are sincere with your crap?

JIM BOB: I’ve been manipulating the power structure in America to my benefit for years! I’m a rich, white, conservative, straight man on television who doesn’t have to work or answer to the law. It’s that sweet! So, so sweet. That’s why I had to run for office in order force my beliefs onto others – that anyone who fits outside my mold is on the wrong side of God, so I stay powerful. I have to maintain that women are inherently temptresses and inferior, gays are evil and when black or poor people commit crimes such a wearing a hoodie at night, they deserve whatever they get. My kind of family is the only one who has access to Jesus, the free pass to get out of our messes, so we escape secular justice. IT’S BRILLIANT. You can understand why I have to keep this up. Wouldn’t you? Vote for Duggar!

MEGYN KELLY: Hm, interesting, I do happen to work for Fox News who systematically spreads similar ideas about the superiority of rich, conservative white people via the grace of “God” in order to keep us ahead. We even insist  Santa is white! So, great point. Now tell me about this ex-Arkansas State Trooper Joseph Hutchens – the one who is currently serving 56 years in prison for child porn. Why did you pick him as the law official to deal with Josh?

JIM BOB DUGGAR: There are no secrets in our town. Everyone knew about Hutchens’s  indiscretions, so I figured he’d be more lenient on my boy as a result. Also, I have lots of cash and considering I had dirt on the old guy . . . well . . . I’m not saying I blackmailed him, but maybe I blackmailed him. It’s a quite a co-inkydink, isn’t it? (Also, I kept a lot of the story from him.)

MEGYN KELLY: Has Josh been cleared by a mental health professional to be around young children? Are your daughters receiving real counseling outside your cult bubble?

DUGGARS IN UNISON: Nope!

MEGYN KELLY: What should a parent do if they suspect abuse amongst siblings?

SOMEONE SANE CHIMING IN: You need to contact outside professionals immediately to conduct an investigation. Do not handle it on your own, as your children might be scared to tell you the truth or cover things up based on your reaction. Let the pros do their work and most likely, counseling will be required and the family can heal. It doesn’t have to get to Duggar level.

MEGYN KELLY: Some conservative pot-stirrers seem to think what Josh Duggar did was comparable to Lena Dunham examining her sister when she was seven. They then point out that the “liberal media” didn’t so much as bat an eye. Do you think they have a point?

JIM BOB: Of course not. Lena Dunham did not look at her sister’s genitals for the purpose of sexual gratification. She was prepubescent herself and the incident was a result of curiosity. She did it exactly one time, and never had a reason to tell us about it besides an amusing anecdote in her memoir. Not all human contact is salacious. Josh, however, sought sexual gratification from repeated incidents of molestation of girls nearly a decade younger than himself and hid it for as long as possible. That is nasty. Also, illegal. Wait. I forgot I’m Jim Bob Duggar for a second. Lena Dunham is a feminist and a harlot, so she’s already much worse than my molester son could ever be because Jesus. Or something.

MEGYN KELLY: Speaking of the media, it has been blamed lately for revictimizing your girls. I’ve gotta say, if it were my family going through this, I’d be laying low as baritone tuba and focusing on healing my daughters. Why are you on TV right now just as the media started to slow on the coverage of this scandal? What about your daughters?

JIM BOB: And miss this fine paycheck? Look, all that matters to me are (in order): 1. Power 2. Money 3. Head pats 4. Fame. 5. Ladies having curly hair. How could I keep all that if I didn’t go on a media tour right now? I have to provide blog fodder to the masses or my life means nothing. Wait. You said some word that sounds like, “otters”. Can you repeat that?

MEGYN KELLY: Your daughters. What about them.

JIM BOB: I know they’re damaged goods and that’s real sad, but with our money and special status with Jesus, I’ll find someone to take those bits of property off my hands. I’m a little heavy on female inventory at the moment anyway. I’d take a sheep or a few goats for them. Why? Need a handmaid? Jemily makes awesome frozen corn dogs!

MEGYN KELLY: Actually, I could use an extra womb or two around the house since people on my show called maternity leave a “racket”.  

[Commercial break featuring a test screen because no advertiser will touch it]

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