The best songs for returning to the work force

By  | September 25, 2015 |  Comments | Filed under: Feminism

After eight years at home (wiping crumbs, dodging haterz) I randomly got a job at a bank. I know. Wasn’t I doing gemology courses and planning to return to work in 2017 as the World Finest Jewelry Whatever? Wasn’t I going to open my own blingy shop and flounce into the glittery sunset? Life is long. I can finish my course work on my own time. Maybe next I’ll go for a career in chewing gum!

Anyway, about a month ago I was just sitting around my living room and I got a message on LinkedIn about a job at a financial institution. First, let’s talk about my LinkedIn profile. I literally use the word “bullshit” to describe the job duties at my most recent position. The only reason I even have a profile on there is to feel important when I’m eating stale fishy crackers I find on the floor while other people are earning social security benefits.

I responded to this message about a “job” (haha, those are for people actually go places, right?) because I was flattered. NO, I told her. Oh, no, not for me. Thanks for calling. Did you like my picture? Am I pretty? I looked really good that one day back in 2012 when I had on make up and posed for that, you know. I cropped out the breast milk stain on my shirt. 

I don’t know what happened after that. I realized I spent all our money on this house? They kept calling because they probably forgot they already talked to me? Remember, we’re taking about a LinkedIn profile that says in my past employment description, “try not to bore people”. Maybe the bank people misdialed.

The thing that really changed my mind about going back to the grind was that I met this lady Meredith of Meredith & Co. She runs her own nanny placement service and has been holding my hand lately about all of this. She came over and told me a story about how she was driving with her nanny charges while listening to a story on NPR that was basically busting on working women. Meredith pulled the car over, called up NPR and gave them a piece of her mind on the air. Children, especially girls, need to see their mothers work. They need to see that women have those opportunities and seize them. Boom. Damn. Sold. If there’s anything I want my three daughters to know it’s that they CAN and they WILL.

My four-year-old scared me to death a few weeks ago. I asked her what she wanted to be and she said, “a mom”. No honey, like what do you want to do? Like with your life? To support yourself? “No, I just want to be a regular mom, mom. A regular one.”. It’s time to show this kid that sometimes regular moms kill it in finance.

Okay, blah, blah, long story short, with Meredith’s help I found someone to move in to my house to help me with the kids (our own personal Alice!), I leased a little commuter car and I start this gig next Thursday. Money talks. Bullshit walks into a bank and swills up free coffee, apparently.

Screen Shot 2015-09-24 at 9.31.12 PM

I was parked on a quiet street when I took this, so no lynch mob, plz. Does the internet suck in 2015, or is it just me? #ArmchairJustice

If I seem callous about leaving my baby, please know this post comes after a lot of YouTube therapy. That’s right. I cried and cried about not snuggling my precious little boo all day and inhaling her stinky milk breath with gleeful abandon any old minute I want. What will it be like? Will missing those watercooler moments at school pick-up and drop-off cause my children to fall through the cracks and pick up meth? Who will take my kid to the dentist? Are pantyhose still as expensive and fragile as I remember?

Without further adieu, here are the songs that have gotten me in the mood to earn a paycheck. Feel free to suggest & link your idearrrrs in the comments. Off to the grind . . .

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